"Do you know the muffin man?"
"What?"
"The muffin man!"
"The...muffin man?"
"The muffin man!"
"What, pray tell, is the muffin man?"
"How don't you know who the muffin man is?!"
"Look. Jeremy. I have work to do. So either tell me who the muffin man is, or I'll-"
"Here."
"Uncle Ralph is the muffin man?"
"What?"
"That's a picture of uncle Ralph, Jeremy."
"What? No, it's no-oh. So it is. One second."
"Can't you just tell me?"
"No."
"I'm going to get back to-"
"Here it is!"
"Ah. A man made out of muffins. How original. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to-"
"Don't you want to hear his origin story?"
"Origin story? What, is the muffin man a superhero now?"
"What do you mean, now? He's always been a superhero!"
"Fine."
"Fine?"
"Fine! Tell me the damn muffin man's stupid origin story!"
"That was rude..."
"Oh my god. What was rude?"
"Your tone."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm not going tell you until you change your tone. And your attitude. They both stink. Like your laundry."
"Ugh. Fine. Would you pretty please with chocolate chips on top tell me the magnificent origin story of whatever-it-was, oh sweet baby brother of mine?"
"The muffin man?"
"The muffin man!"
"Okay! Since you asked so politely!"
"Gee, thanks."
"Now hush. Everyone tells the story differently, but you know how it is with urban legends..."
"Let's pretend I know that you're talking about. Go on."
"The way I heard it, there once was a baker, his wife, and their three children. Two girls
and a boy. Now this baker had just found a new muffin recipe, and no matter how hard he tried, it would fail. And he threw all of the bad muffins into the lake behind his bakery."
"Why was there a lake behind his bakery? And why in the heck would you throw muffins into it?"
"Look, do you want to hear this or not?"
"Do I have the choice?"
"No."
"Didn't think so."
"So anyway, one day, he finally made the perfect batch. It was absolutely flawless. So the baker put them on the kitchen counter to admire them, when he was overcome with the sudden need to tinkle."
"Don't tell me...he peed on the muffins."
"Ewww, no!"
"Did he pee on the floor, slip on the pee, and fall on the muffins, destroying them?"
"You're disgusting!"
"I know. So what happened, then?"
"While our friend the baker was in the bathroom, his son found the muffins in the kitchen and thought that they were another bad batch, so he took them to the back of the bakery-"
"He didn't...!"
"He did. He took that tray of perfect muffins, and the tray was still hot. And the tray burned his hands, which caused him to drop that perfect batch of muffins into the water. To soothe the burning, he plunged his hands into the water of the lake. Little did he know that the old, dumped muffins had been plotting-"
"Sentient muffins. Alright then."
"-plotting to seek revenge. They were plotting to take hold of a human and become the muffin person, and to use their body as the host of the ultimate muffin superhero, to take down any humans who throw away any muffins that they deem unsatisfactory ever again. And it just so happened that it was the baker's son who fit the bill. And thus, the baker's son became the muffin man!"
"Thus?"
"It's a word..."
"I know it's a word. I just didn't know you knew it was a word."
"Anyway, so yeah! That's the story of the muffin man, and how muffins arose from the deep and became the ultimate muffin saviour!"
"Well, I'm never looking at muffins the same way ever again..."
"Wanna make cupcakes?"
"...sure. Hey, Jeremy? Thanks for the story.”
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